I think that one of the most difficult processes in the life of a Christian is when one’s faith is tested when difficulties come along your way. One day things change and your life is changed forever. Especially when it changes for the worse and you are powerless to change the circumstances. What makes it even more difficult is if there is, in your mind, no logical reason why it happened. You cannot necessarily relate it to something that you may have done. You have dedicated your life to Christ, and you have to find out that you are not protected because you are a child of God. Your only solace is that God warns us in the Bible that difficult times will be encountered and that these difficulties will end up in a strengthening of your faith. Very difficult to belief that when you are going through the trauma (the valley).
It is only then when you are “forced” (motivated) to take stock of your spiritual life. A hard process to go through. You have to throw away your pre-conceived ideas and open yourself up to the voice of the Lord. I have encountered in counseling that we/they have preconceived ideas about what we/they want to hear. They do not let God renew their minds to find the answers (dominantly through Scripture). Sometimes you may not even get answers at that time. But to me the journey of surrendering to God has become more important than the actual answer. As part of the process you will be reminded by the Lord of corrections required in your life. Trials and tribulations have always resulted in searching for a more “holy” life than it may have been before.
I have had trouble with my feet for a few years ago. Even had a toe amputated. At one time my feet took nearly 4 years to heal and only started healing after I called the elders to lay hands on me. I lived on crutches, but by the grace of God, it did not stop me from proclaiming the Gospel. Some of the false preachers say that you cannot glorify God through illness. Absolute rubbish. I witnessed more for the Lord during this process that I may have if it did not happen to me. I was more dependent upon the Lord, a wonderful place to be.
After the above, I have had more than one operation on my feet. The first one was about two years prior to my last one. It was by the grace of God that we were in Hartebeespoort Dam when I became very ill and ended up in the hospital in Pretoria, at what later turned out to be, one of the best surgeons for diabetic feet in the country. I must admit that I was stubborn and refused to go to my daughter’s doctor as I wanted to get to PE. I can still remember lying down on the bed and I heard the Lord say to me, “Go to the doctor”. I went and he recommended I get hospital treatment immediately. Again, as stubborn as I used to be, I refused. Lying down on the bed exhausted, I hear the voice of the Lord again saying: “Get to the hospital”. Within a matter of hours I was taken op in the Eugene Marais hospital in Pretoria.
This first operation was on my left and a very traumatic experience as I had inflammation in the foot and the doctors did not know whether they could save my foot or whether the infection would be curable. I can still remember very clearly that the night before my operation I had to face the stark reality of possible death through gangrene or being disabled for life. I made peace with the situation and surrendered to God’s perfect will for me. God gave me peace beyond understanding whether I lived, died or would had an amputation. The serenity of that experience will never be forgotten. For the first time in my life I knew that dying was not a terrifying experience but a blissful transition into heaven.
As it turned out, the operation was a major success and, by the grace of God, the infection I had was curable. I cannot explain the joy of that discovery. I was in tears for God’s mercy and grace. I cried when the doctor gave me the news. His PA was a bit “weird” as she asked me why a man would be crying. Quite a shock but I let it go. I was eternally grateful and if crying showed the Lord how grateful I was, I did not care what she thought. My foot healed in record time. No side effects. I also did not need any pain medication. A fact that I forgot after the second operation.
At the time I knew I would have to have the right foot operated on. The left one was the worst and the right one would be a “breeze” as it had no infections. “Ja nee”. So much for an assumption. We made the decision that the same doctor would operate again. Once successful, try it the second time. They insisted that I take pain medication. Unbeknown to me when still in Hartebeespoort Dam, Annamarie and my daughter noticed I was a bit “off”. I was mumbling “deurmekaar”, was not with it and slept just about the whole time. I left for Port Elizabeth. Back in PE, when I tried to walk with my crutches, I fell and dislocated my shoulder. The doctor in PE also gave me pain tablets as that was an “eina” experience. I also had physiotherapy. That heightened the pain every time I had a session with the lady.
She was quite a strange person. Every time she came for a session, my spirit rebelled. She had the habit of sitting right next to me on the bed, without asking, to do the physiotherapy. I have no idea why but I made sure that Annamarie was always with me in the room. It became so bad that asked het to leave before the process was completed. In that last session, she yanked my shoulder that it was extremely hurting. I am sure that she did that on purpose. Eventually my shoulder has healed to a stage that it is bearable. But rather than having her creating this weird feeling of my spirit rebelling. Fortunately that is now far gone in my memory and I do not harbor ant grudge against her.
What transpired was that the medication the doctors prescribed had detrimental effect on my health. Not everybody experience the side effects. The doctors did not warn me about any of the side effects. However I did. I had hallucinations. My body was sucked of energy. I could not get up and walk on my crutches. Our neighbors had to help carry me into my vehicle so that I could go to the wound clinic once a week. They also had to help me get back into bed. I also passed out a few times and they had to help me get into bed as well. I had no idea why I became so weak. It felt as if I was slowly dying.
The hallucinations were surreal. I would talk to the people that were not there. When I looked left, the people were “brown” shapes. When I looked right they were “grey”. And I spoke loudly to them in the middle of the night. I was apparently also very rude, demanding and angry about everything. I cannot even remember any of that. What I can still remember, is that on one of the trips back from the wound clinic, I insisted that I would get out of the vehicle in our garage and go to bed that way. I did not make it and fell down. I could not get up and had to crawl to the nearest chair, and before I could get up, I passed out again. What a marvelous feeling. I was feeling as if I was leaving this earth in pure peace. Death had no fear.
Unbeknown to me, Annamarie researched the medication on the internet and found out that I had all the negative side effects. On the Sunday Annamarie decided to change my medication that did not have side effects. I was unaware of this until she gave me the new pills and I saw they looked different. What a Godly intervention.
On the Monday night the fight with the evil one started. I cannot fully recall the whole process. What I do remember is that it was a very dark night. It felt as if the evil one wanted to steal my soul. Sometime during the night in desperation I cried out to the evil one: “I will not deny my Christ! I will not deny my Christ.” The battle was finally won. I was free from the evil one. Victory belongs to the Lord. Hallelujah.
The next morning, my power in my body started to return, I was like a new person. Then I realized that for the second operation I did not fully rely on God, but on the surgeon’s expertise based on the first operation. I realized that I had to repent and recommit my life to Him. God spoke to me and asked me to once again surrender everything to Him. My healing, what I owned, everything. He had to be my first and only priority in life from that moment on. Healing would only from Him. This was not a new concept as we had transitioned to that stage some years ago. I think we sometimes get so involved with “life” and the things we do for God, that we forget that He should be our ownly priority in life. Once you do that, the rest of the priorities of life falls into place
Then some stunning instructions: I had to sacrifice all the “things” I did for him. Alpha, Freedom in Christ, Authentic Manhood, Grief Share, multimedia I did in the church, everything. A huge step to take as we had been in that ministry for 15 years and the multimedia for nearly 35 years. We started the band with my daughters and their friends under huge pressure from certain members in the congregation that was anti the band, I developed the multimedia with my own equipment and it progressed to using sound, videos, PowerPoint, internet, etc. What was stunning was that the Lord told me that I also had to spend time to build my relationship with Annamarie. Nothing else. I have no idea whether HE will grant us another ministry or not. It does not matter. One day at a time. Patience. Waiting.
The Lord also then reminded me of some of His promises:
Philippians 4:4-7: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
This is my life text that I have tried to live by at all times. I surrendered all, let Him know my desires to serve Him fully and the peace that surpasses all understanding came over me and am still with me. Not that the evil one does not try to destroy my peace from time to time.
Heb 13:5: Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Romans 5:2-4: 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[a] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[b] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.
The Tuesday was another traumatic day. We had to decide whether we should sell or keep the farm taking into account that at that stage my foot was not healing and we would not be able to manage the upkeep. Unbeknown to us, our children had been praying for us. In the background, discussions took place with Nick and my daughter and he repeated his desire come to work for us on the farm. We felt the Lord prompt us to take on the offer. That settled we had to decide what I had to pay him. There was no way I could match the salary that he was getting. The Lord gave me the amount, without knowing how we will raise the money. Miracles never cease. When Annamarie and I went through our finances, our monthly savings due to Covid19 and the increase in pension, would cover the amount!!
When I presented the amount to Nick and wife the reaction was astounding. “It if far more than we were expecting”. Soos hulle sê Ja-nee. Gos has a way where no other way seems to be.
What eventually transpired, was that we found out that Nick has a very bad liver condition that can be fatal (2 year life span if God does not heal him) . He was constantly sick and also has a condition that he from time to time goes into a coma and cannot recall the day or two prior. Initially that made us very frustrated. Then he became ill and could not work for more than one or two days a week. In my quiet time, which I had plenty of as I was bedridden most of the time, the Lord revealed to me that he came to the farm as he would not be able to hold his position that he had prior to joining us. Our task was to see him as a “gifting” case and support them as a family. He is actually our family as he has adopted Annamarie and myself some time ago (been here 5 years) as his parents (he has none) and he adopted the daughters and their husbands as his sisters/brothers. Their son is our adopted grandchild. He was 5 in December 2020. I now have seven “adopted” grandchildren. (None of my own blood but I love them like my own – that is a stiory all on its own as well).
The Wednesday. My wound clinic day. We had to skip the previous week as I was too weak to even get into my vehicle. Whilst lying in my bed I heard the voice of the Lord saying: “Take your crutches, get up and walk” I did just that and started walking. I was stable. Had the power to get into my vehicle, go to the clinic and get into the house up a flight of stairs without help into the bedroom. Another miracle.
The story does not end there. One of my screws (in my foot not my head) came adrift and had to be removed by my doctor. I saw that the wound was deteriorating badly. I became uncomfortable with the process. I challenged the nurse and was told everything was fine. I started praying about is. The week after this I saw again that it was deteriorating even further. I was now almost in “panic” mode. They tried to put my mind at rest. The fact that they were using the same medication on my foot that was mainly a honey concoction made me more uncomfortable. I prayed again on the way home and the Lord put into my thoughts the possibility of changing my wound sister.
By some miracle, another one, I came across the name of a wound sister that everybody had confidence in her. I WhatsApped her on the Friday afternoon and sent her photographs of my wound. I was surprised that she answered and said she will come to us on the Saturday (5 Dec 2020). She came and gave my foot one look and I knew there was something radically wrong. She advised us that there were signs of septicaemia in the wound and that the treatment of the wound by the wound clinic would end up in amputation. In fact her comment was that if she did not come that Saturday the likelihood of an amputation was imminent (scary). My wound had apparently burst open from the stiches as well and a lot of dead flesh was in the wound that would preclude any healing.
She immediately started on my foot. She had to open the wound up to the metal inserts was clean of any flesh. Quite a scary experience, to see so deep inside the wound, and seeing metal and screws. . She uses special medication that the wound clinic does not have access too. They are also not trained to handle problem wounds. I have had seaweed, growth ointments and a lot of strange ointments on my wound. It is now 7 months later (minus another screw, in my foot, not my head) and the wound is still not fully healed. However, every week is an improvement. The slow progress is because of the fact that the flesh has to now grow over the metal inserts as the last part of healing. A difficult process to be patient Hwever I have learnt that my plan and God’s plan vary rarely are the same.. The wound size is now about 5-10% of its original size. And who says miracles don’t happen today.
I move around the house on a wheelchair. I have started walking a little but I need to put my feet up whilst lying in bed to take the pressure off the foot to enhance healing. I have learnt to make the bed in a wheelchair (looks like an army bed), do sandwiches whilst on the wheelchair, and many other things that I took for granted. Many thigs are possible with a positive mind-set and not taking “can’t do it” as an answer. Every success makes one feel very “chuffed”.
Now the other side of the coin. My operation was in October. The Covid19 lockdown occurred in March. The first day or two, I was very disenchanted with the government that telling me what I can and can’t do (Remember they wanted to tell us what to wear!!). Fortunately, prompted by God, I made the decision to utilize my time reading God’s word, praying and reading spiritual based books. Utilising the time constructively, what an experience!! I will not change anything that I have experienced to date. It has made a different person out of me. More calm, relaxed and at peace (Can you believe that!)
I have read the Bible through once in that time, the New Testament nearly 3 times and have started the Old Testament for the second time. The result is an amazing insight into the Word of God. So much so that I am in a process of challenging our church council on some of the practices we have in our church. It will be interesting to see the reaction but it is crucial for me as I need to make some major decisions about leaving the congregation or not.
What is very interesting is that I have had a “prophetic” ministry in the church for a number of years. By “prophetic” I mean that I have been given the task of challenging the church and making known where the Lord is not being glorified in the Church. This has been going on for a number of years now. I have even been made to keep quiet in a “conversation church service” when the Lord had a prophetic word for the congregation. Even telling the minister that was in charge that I had a Word of God for the congregation, I was still told they did not have time to listen to me. So much for encouraging conversation on issues that people are wrestling with?
Unfortunately I made the mistake that evening of losing it and I said that no minister will keep me quiet. I also walked out of the service, very angrily that they would deny the message. As a result I was shunned by two of our ministers and effectively banned from doing my multimedia task in the church for their services that I had been doing for more than 30 years (alone without any help). I apologised to them in writing and made a public confession in church for that, but unfortunately the relationships have not been restored. They went into a mode of ignoring me. One morning, when the one mister was late, I, as usual put video music on for the congregation, thinking I was doing the right thing. . When the minister arrived, he/she quite rudely asked me what I think I was doing. Fortunately this time, I kept quite, removed my equipment and left the service. I have forgiven both of the ministers, but the way they act does not confirm that they have forgiven me. That is fortunately not my problem.
The minister I am responsible to recognised my task and asked me never to abandon my task of challenging the status quo. Eventually I was accused of trying to destroy the one minister’s calling. The fact that that accusation was proved to be false did not make matters easier. The minister in fact lied to me a number of times before and also in the hearing I had to attend. The fact that our relationship was not good is true, but I decided to take most of the blame for the other accusations, ask forgiveness and move on.
In my last letter to the ministers last year, around the poor Covid communication, gay marriages, etc. The communication was mainly about not taking into account that some of our members do not have access to social media. In fact they did everything on Facebook, to which I had terminated, as I was hacked 2 or 3 times. Only after I complained did they put it on YouTube. Yet thy still no strategy to reach the other people. This same minster responded to my letter to say that they accept my letter under the banner of Titus 3. Effectively saying I am a troublemaker and must be obedient to authority. What is more interesting that my other minister was not even aware that she answered me in this way, and asked that I must not make an issue out of this. To date, nearly a year later, I have received no response and absolutely nothing has changed. I made a decision that I will not get frustrated. I have warned them. They ae responsible for not listening.
The letter I sent yesterday is my last effort. Even if I do not leave, I will not in future challenge anything. The minister effectively shut me down. They will be accountable to God for ignoring Him. I am very fortunately that I hold no grudges. Although I was very frustrated in the beginning, I have found out, through experience, that to forgive people, even if they are wrong or guilty of destroying my reputation in church, are a lot easier than having my relationship with God being affected. I am free!! I have joy!! I have peace!!
I suppose you now want to know about Annamarie and my relationship. I always thought that we had a very good relationship. We were one in Spirit, one in decision-making. (I was sometimes a bit demanding) Well, I had no idea that it could be better. It is just different now. It is as if a huge maturity has taken place in both of us since lockdown. We find joy in each other’s company, more than ever before. Even drinking tea/coffee with each other at least twice a day!! My love for her has deepened. I can now truly say that I really love her (loving her lots) and I want to be with her. It is a joy to just to have her in my arms when we go to bed (nothing more!!). Giving her a hug and say I love her. I don’t want to be young again. I am satisfied with life as it is. It is as perfect as I think it can be.
“Man die man het nou regtig versleg!! Ek is nou ‘n puppy en nie ‘n bulldog nie”. All praise and glory to God!!
It is interesting that by the grace of God I never had the inclination or desire to have an affair in all my married life (Some other men may say: “Man you have no idea what you missed out on!!”). That is grace. I can remember I prayed and asked the Lord to make me “dead” for any other women except Annamarie when we got married. God listened to my prayer and granted my request. Today I am so grateful that I have not had an affair or even looked at another woman in an inappropriate way. I have no regrets, no guilt feelings, just joy in my heart.
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