Is marriage an outdated concept? More and more people have started living with “life partners” without being officially married. Laws have been changed to give the spouse of an unmarried couple the same rights as married couples. What does God say about this?
1. Definition of marriage
Unlike popular definitions, the Bible is very clear that marriage is between a man and a woman.
Genesis 2:24 - 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:25 - 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Matthew 19:4–6 - 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Genesis 2:18 - 18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2: 20 -22 But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
Unfortunately sin has created the world view that marriage includes same sex marriage. Unfortunately, that is not how man and woman were created, and it is against what God defines marriage as.
2. Christian marriage versus non-Christian marriages:
It is heartbreaking to see so many divorces amongst Christian couples. However, one bit of light in this dark tunnel is that Christian marriages have approximately a 35% better chance of succeeding than non-Christian marriages. However, for a child of God, divorce should be the absolute last resort. Personally I believe that most, if not every dispute in a marriage can be solved due to the grace and power of the Holy Spirit. A successful marriage takes work from both parties.
3. The correct model:
There is a misnomer around the marriage model.
Many believe that a 50/50 partnership is the model that works. The problem is that this kind of marriage is leaderless.
Or the traditionalist believe that a top own marriage works the best. This is where the husband is the king of the castle and he lords over the family. The problem with this kind of marriage is that there is a winner and loser in the process. Mostly the man winning and the wife loosing.
Both these models do not work in the long term and is not the Biblical model that God intended.
The model that the Bible advocates is the side by side model. Both husband and wife are directly accountable to God for their actions but they have different roles to play. The man the leader and his style are responsible and sacrificial. The goal is one-ness in the marriage that benefits both parties. This type of marriage maintains the uniqueness of both parties and engenders the differences of both parties.
4. The only acceptable reason for divorce – Sexual immorality
Matthew 5:32 - 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 19:9 - 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:6 - 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Hard as it seems, this is the only valid reason for divorce. This may seem unfair, but this is God’s reality. I will deal with abuse under a separate heading.
5. Do not be unequally yoked
2 Corinthians 6:14 - 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
1 Corinthians 15:33 - 33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
One of the biggest mistakes people make is for a Christian to marry a non-Cristian. They get married with the idea that they will be able to “change” their partner. The problem is that only the Holy Spirit can change people. The general trend is that the couple will become infrequent “church goers” and may eventually renege on their commitment to Christ. “Bad company ruins good morals” I have seen this many times in marriages. The constant battle to get their spouses to change eventually becomes so tiring that non-resistance is an option and then their conviction is lost.
A man and a woman are so different. On top of it we get married to someone that is from a different family culture, that alone makes the adjustment in marriage extremely difficult. At least if both are children of God, they have similar foundation around which differences and problems can be addressed and resolved God’s way.
Statistics say that if the wife is a child of God, they have a 25% chance of the husband/family coming to Christ. If the husband is a child of God, the odds are much greater, about 75%. The latter is as a result of the leadership role the husband is ordained to do.
A lot of questions around interracial marriage are asked. In the Old Testament it was forbidden for Israelites to marry into other races. There was a very good reason. They would be subjected to idol worship and history proved God right.
Deuteronomy 7:3–4 - 3 You shall not intermarry with them, giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, 4 for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods. Then the anger of the Lord would be kindled against you, and he would destroy you quickly.
In the New Testament, things are different.
Romans 10:12 - 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him.
The criterion is now whether you are equally matched i.e. are both children of God and have they received the blessing of God to get married. In fact, this is where most people go wrong. They get married outside the will of God. That normally has a disastrous effect. In most of the counselling and discussions with divorced couples, when I ask them whether they prayed about their marriage partner and got God’s blessing, in almost 100% of the time they say no.
6. Husbands must love their wives as Christ loves His church
Ephesians 5:25-29 - 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
Ephesians 5 – 1-3 - Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ..
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
I think this command from God has been given to men as it is in all probability the most difficult for men to stay true to their wives. Men are not emotional beings. We therefor tend to rationalize our decisions based on what we think. Our definition of love is far from how God sees it.
However, God would not have given us this command if we could not adhere to it. This love is a giving, sacrificial love. Where our wives needs should be placed above our needs. It is a giving love without expecting anything in return. It is Agape love. It is as Jesus did to sacrifice himself for you and me.
I believe that every man gets to a point where he believes that he “has lost his love” for his wife. That may be a reality, as we tend to at times, become dissatisfied with our wives. That is the time when one has to go to God and admit your sin and ask Him to show you how to love your wife. It is a humbling experience but a life changing process. This happened to me when I was contemplating to divorce my wife in 1986. I admitted my sin and also told the Lord that I do not want to love my wife and did not know how to love my wife. I had to find out that I was the problem, not my wife and this resulted in me loving my wife irrespective of who she was. Our relationship was dramatically changed by God and I love her more than I ever did as a young man. I have no desire than to meet her needs. It is a glorious place to be.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2 - 1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
I have seen many men come to us with the argument that they have found another love and claimed it had to be from God as they were experiencing what they called “ultimate” love, it must be from God. I am sorry to burst your bubble, but that is a lie of the evil one. And it is a sinful act. Repent and start loving your wife like Christ love the church. What people don’t understand is that soul ties are formed with out of marriage sex and creates bondage that affects your spiritual life and ability to discern what is right and wrong. Lust becomes the overriding emotion and it impedes your decision-making.
Genesis 2:18 - 18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
One of the big mental blocks men have to overcome is that they tend to believe that women are inferior to men. That is a myth. If you look at the title of a woman, “helper”, it is a title that is only used for 3 other people in the Bible. God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. It is a title of honor. In fact a man and a woman have the same value in the eyes of God.
Men and I include myself, always thought women were not as “spiritual” as a man. I had to find out, to my shock, that that is not true. In fact, women can have a deeper relation with God than what we may have. That is because of who they are. They are emotionally and relationship driven.
My wife is my spiritual “check” for everything we want to do. Unless we have total agreement, we do not make a decision. God the Holy Spirit cannot give two answers for the same decision. This also ensures that both are committed to the decision and if anything goes wrong, the one does not blame the other. But men have to be careful. “Listen” to how your wife’s answers the question. They tend to not want to tell you how they feel due to the way you may react. In our marriage, God tells her the same thing every time. In fact she is 80% of the decision-making process. And to date, we have not made mistakes in our major and minor decision-making process. All praise to God that she is truly my “helper.” We men are actually fools when we make decisions on our own without our wives consent.
7. Colossians 3:18 - 18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything...
This is what I call the stumbling block that all women have. Modern trends are for emancipation of women from the “dominion of men”. This is in all probability the one command from God that is the most difficult for women to understand or adhere to. That is because they and men do not understand what it means.
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Submission does not mean domination. It means that the women will support her husband to live out his task of leading the family in the ways of the Lord. Each partner in the marriage is to live out their role in the marriage, and they are different.
1 Peter 3:1-3 - 3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.
1 Corinthians 7:13-15 - 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
Women have the power to change men. If you look at a river, at its source the stones are ragged with edges. At the bottom of the river the rocks are round and smooth. Someone once said “You must understand that your wife could be the stone that God has given you to smooth the edges of the man” and I think men need to be smoothed!!
8. Understand the role of each person
One of the problems in marriage is when the partners don’t fulfill their duty as God requires. I always say that a man and a woman can never be equal because they are different. We have the same value but we have different roles to fulfill. When one does not fulfill these roles, the marriage suffers. It is like a body that does not have a hand. The body cannot function and the whole body suffers.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband
Let us look at the different roles:
The man
a. Servant Leadership
Man was created first and whether women like it or not, that has given him, by God, the role of leadership of courage and responsibility. It is a noble role which is both exciting and terrifying. The ways in which servant leadership manifests itself is:
· It includes his wife in visioning the future
· Accepts spiritual responsibility for the whole family
· Admits his faults and ask for forgiveness when he acted incorrectly
· Ensures household tasks are fairly distributed in consultation with his wife
· Consults and listens to his wife on all major decisions
· Follows through on all commitment made to his wife
· Anticipates and plans for the different stages his children will go through
· Frequently tells his wife what he likes about her
· Provides financial security for the basic living expenses of the family
· Talks to his wife and family frequently
· Prays with his wife and family frequently
· Initiates meaningful family traditions plans, fun outings on a regular basis
· Gives his children practical instructions about life, which in turn gives them confidence with their peers. (Life skills)
· Manages the schedules of the home and anticipates pressure points
· Keeps family financially sound and out of harmful debt
· Draws up a will with his wife to ensure that the wife and children are cared for after his death.
· Opens his heart to his wife and children.
· Honors his wife in public
· Gives his children a wholesome perspective of sex
· Encourages his wife to grow as an individual
· Establish with his wife a sound biblical value system
· Engages in groups and development initiatives for himself to grow
· Allows his wife to pursue her own interests that may or may not include him
b. What a husband needs from his wife:
· Companionship
· Admiration
· Support
· Physical responsibility (sex)
The women
Ephesians 5:22–24 – 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5: 33 - However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
This is the bane of a woman’s life. With the advent of the emancipation of women, it has almost become a swear word in the lives of women. The sad thing is that they do not understand what it means.
· Do you have a choice? In principle yes and no. You are not forced to submit. It is a choice that you make to be obedient to God.
· What is submission? The submission God is talking about here is your helper role in allowing and supporting your husband to live out his leadership role in the family. Sometimes women usurp the role of the husband that does not show or act out his leadership role. In the beginning many women feel “vindicated” and enjoy the role. Unfortunately as time goes on, many women become dissatisfied of this role and really want a man that shows the correct leadership role.
What needs to happen is for the woman to “force” her husband in a loving way to be the leader. Encourage him to do the devotions in the house. Encourage him in any other way you can. Women are adept at “manipulating” men to do what they want. The worst you can do is to criticize him that he is not the leader you want. That is a huge mistake. It will make him believe he is not capable and he will retreat even further in the background.
Role of the women
· Servant helper/lover
Proverbs 31:10-12 - 10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:27-29 - 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
Without women, men will battle to exist, I am sorry to say. Widows generally will cope well without her husband. Men are a bit of a disaster when their wives die before them.
A wife has a nurturing role in the family, both towards husband and children. Women have an amazing ability to love unconditionally. Men do not have that ability. This is why God has given her the ability to be a servant helper.
· What a women wants from her husband
a. Companionship. There is nothing worse in a marriage if we are not a companion for each other. The sad part is that when this happens, you eventually have nothing in common and it becomes a huge rock that can end in divorce. It means that you as a man have to respond to her when she wants to tell you how her day was instead of looking at the TV or reading the newspaper.
b. Security. She should feel nurtured and that you will protect her. You will provide for her. You will be a father for your children.
c. Significance. All people want to feel that they are significant. Women, because of their emotional make-up, need this more. You need to reinforce that she is important to you. That she is capable. That you value her and her contribution to the household. That you respect her views. That she is part of the decision-making process. The more you nurture her, the more she will blossom. And she will be more responsive and supportive to you as a man in your leadership role. Thank her for the meal that she lovingly repaired. Support her in raising the children. Help her to develop herself. Give her freedom to ensue her own interest. Tell her what she is good at.
d. Emotional responsiveness. You will notice that in this category the man's need is physical responsiveness (sex). Tell her you love her. Tell her why you love her. Spend time with her. Arrange to have a date with her (without requiring anything in return). Tell her what you appreciate about her. Give her acts of love: a single rose, a box of chocolates, perfume. Write her a letter or make a card for her birthday. It does not need to be big cost items. Men place a high value on expensive items. Women give everything only one point. So be cleaver and give a rose every day of the week and you would have acquired 5 points for the week. Men also have to understand that women and men look totally differently at sex. Men believe that the sex act is the ultimate of showing their love to their wives. Unfortunately not. A woman allows the sex act in anticipation of the love she hopes to get in the future. The love acts that I have spoken about. So wake up men!! Your work is not done after the sex act and you can relax. Your work has only started.
9. What does real love look like:
1 Corinthians 13 is many times read at marriages. This is not wrong, but it applies to every Christian. From a marriage perspective it applies to both male and female. It is the love God expects us to show everybody that comes our way.
1 Corinthians 13 - If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
· 4 Love is patient, (listen the other person first, never gives up, does not flare up easily)
· love is kind. (gentleness, cares more for others than for self, not ill mannered, thoughtful)
· It does not envy, (no jealousy, grants the other person something, values the other person)
· it does not boast, (self-praise, boasting about achievements, possessions, gives praise)
· it is not proud. (be humble, easily apologizes for own mistakes, does not have a swollen head)
· 5 It does not dishonor others, (mutual respect, values the other person, does not shame the other person, praises the other person, it is not “me” first)
· it is not self-seeking, (not selfish, the other person’s need more important than your own needs, serves the other person)
· it is not easily angered, (does not provoke, peacemaker in conflict situations, calmness, does not fly off the handle)
· it keeps no record of wrongs. (forgives easily, does not hold a grudge)
· 6 Love does not delight in evil (sinful, ungodly, dishonest, black , does not keep score of others’ sins, hearted, dishonorable, corrupt, does not harm, wrongdoing, do not revel when others are in trouble or have a hard time)
· but rejoices with the truth. (truthfulness, no hidden agenda, genuineness)
· 7 It always protects, (keep safe from harm, watch over the other, does not revel when other people have trouble)
· always trusts, (confidence in one another, trusts God always)
· always hopes, (having an expectation, aspiration, optimistic, anticipation, looks for the best)
· always perseveres (does not easily give up when facing difficulties, does not look back)
· 8 Love never fails. (meeting expectations, does not desert, faithful, supports the other person, keeps going to the end)
But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
A very tough call for any Christian, more so in a marriage. If we can accomplish this in marriage, all marriages will be a huge success on God’s terms. Amen!!
10. Abusive marriages
I want to clearly state that abuse in a marriage is totally unacceptable to God. That is whether it is the man or the woman that are abused. Abuse destroys a marriage over time. Unfortunately a lot of people believe that they can do nothing about the situation. They believe the partner will not do it again but it repeats itself and there are no consequences for the action of the abuser. Why should he/she change? The partner keeps on taking the person back. It is not true that you cannot do something about it, but it takes courage.
The real question is: What should you do about it.
I believe, and we teach this in one of our courses, is that the abused person must show courage and draw a line in the sand with the understanding that if they go over the line that there will be consequences. Even if it means that the abuser has to leave the house and potentially have to face divorce. A lot of marriages have been saved in this way. The abused person must doggedly stick to their decision. There is no turning back and taking the abuser back unless the abuser gets counselling to change their behavior. If the abuser does not agree to go for counseling, divorce may be the only option.
Although this divorce may not be due to infidelity, I really believe that God does not condemn the action of the abused.
11. Builds each other up
Early in the relationship, before even marriage is contemplated, the partners should ask the question whether the relationship is building each other up. If there are signs that the one party takes and the other party has to give all the time, it will get worse in marriage as during courtship people are at their best behavior.
Note to women: If your partner claims, if you love him you will give him sex, wake up. He wants to take something (your virginity) that is not his to take. You have the right to say no and protect your body for the person that you will marry. Every time you have sex outside marriage, bad soul ties are formed that creates bondage in your life. These bondages have to be broken before you can get married. The most common result of sex outside marriage is that the man will drop you and search for another victim, or worse look for a virgin to marry. Be wise.
12. Differences between men and women
One thing we do not fully grasp is that men and women are very different. There is a book which I recommend that both parties read before getting married. “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” This will enable you to better understand your partner and prevent unnecessary stress and division in your marriage. For a fuller understanding, read the book. Here are some of the chapters of the book.
Chapter 1: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Chapter 2: Mr Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee.
Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages
Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands
Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves
Chapter 8: Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
Chapter 9: How To Avoid Arguments
Chapter 10: Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
Chapter 11: How to Communicate Difficult Feelings
Chapter 12: How to Ask for Support and Get It
Chapter 13: Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
Have a wonderful happy married life!!
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